Anyone’s who has followed me for a long time will notice, through my various past alias’ (Antimatter-Radius, SoulTestament etc), that I’ve written quite a few short stories and poems. Even several of those are on this blog, with my most recent being the Black Lagoon fan-fic. I used to really enjoy making poems and short stories a ton but I suppose that was just a chapter in my life at the time (no pun intended). These days I manage to express myself more through ranting and making videos than I do sitting down to write. At times, the stuff I’ve written is cringe-worthy but I’m usually proud of it and myself at the time for coming up with it. It’s not that I ever stopped wanting to write, it’s that I became too critical of myself that I was afraid to do so.
That may sound strange, but hear me out. Everyday I get ideas for stories, poems, narratives and epics, but I can never quite feel motivated to go anywhere with it. I’ve even had ideas for games and anime on several occasions but knew my ideas were too shallow to make something substantial. In fact, it took quite a bit of deliberation to finally settle on what to write for the Rock and Revy fan fiction. I guess my problem is that I’m worried it won’t manifest as good as it was in my head. Many people suffer from this feeling I’m sure; that their creative vision won’t be fully realized. To tell you the truth, there are pictures I wish I could draw, photographs I wish i could take and videos I wish I could make, but I ultimately lack the money, resources and just talent to accomplish any of that. I’m a jack of several trades and master of none; I spread myself so openly between hobbies that I never quite get too good with any of them. I’ve found a decent level with my video making and by gosh have I made some awesome and successful videos, thanks especially to the great support from the SFxT community. But I’m also feeling sad about the things I wish I could do, but probably never will be able to.
This isn’t to say that I’ll never write stories ever again, but that I just know my limits. The ideas I have for certain stories are too ambitious and I feel that, in my amateur state, if I was to attempt them I’d simply ruin my vision. It’s why I have such great respect for artists and video makers who do such a phenomenal job. It’s also why I spend so much time sharing art from Deviant Art and liking videos on YouTube, because I see the vision that I have live out through these people’s works. In a way, I feel like I want to promote those with talent since I have none. I want people to see how amazing people can be with their craft, and it warms my heart to see amazing stuff like that. Maybe I’ll be able to perform at such a level one day, and maybe not. I’m content with how I am now, but I do wish sometimes I could achieve the things I envision.
If any of this makes sense to you, then thanks for reading. I’m still brainstorming ideas for videos and creative works that may or may not happen in the near future, so look out for them. I sometimes feel like one day I’ll meet a special person who can help me achieve my dream, because goodness knows I can’t do it on my own. Hopefully, I can one day produce all my works and show people my vision and maybe then I’ll gain the confidence to keep going, whether I’m successful or not. Thanks for supporting me with any of the work I’ve done. Who knows, maybe 2015 will be my chance to go that extra mile.